It's been so long. I have to apologize for my absence. But I have a good reason. I've been going through a hard time in my life. And after a lot of turmoil I've been diagnosed with depression. The diagnosis in it's self is nothing new, but the help is new. Since I'm finally seeking help, I can get some medication, and a lot of counseling for help. It's been a long road that lead me to this point. I've dealt with depression and low self esteem since I can remember. I have never really fit in any where and always felt like an outcast. So it's encouraging to go to group counseling and feel like I'm not alone. Though none of the women in the group struggle with exactly what I do I can relate to at least part of their stories. It's been so helpful to work on this with other people. It's helpful, but scary. Sometimes it isn't exactly fun sharing your worst days with a bunch of perfect strangers. But the more you share the easier it is to deal with it. The whole stigma of mental disorders is very hard for me. It grew up thinking that there was something wrong with using drugs that mess with your mind. But after a long conversation with my mother I learned that it was a miscommunication between her and I. Talking with her has helped me be able to handle this struggle.
The new aspect of this struggle is anxiety. The only other time I remember being anxious in my life was in college around finals, when I had spread myself a little too thin with projects. But in the last year I have become increasingly anxious at work. Basically I am the procedure expert for our team of data entry processors, I also have to fix and answer for the team's mistakes. The fixing I enjoy, the answering for mistakes, makes me sick to my stomach. I hate when people are mad, and I really hate being yelled at, or even talked to harshly. I just can't stand conflict. In short I don't like my job.
Lately it feels like I'm going through a midlife crisis. Kind of like "what am I doing with my life?". I don't know why I keep thinking that but I do. So right now I'm on a little leave from work trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life. Or what I should be doing with my life. I've been really lucky to have such a supportive husband. Even though he doesn't fully understand depression, he's allowing me the time I need to get back to myself.
I just wanted to share a little part of my story in case any one else out there is struggling with depression or anxiety. If you struggle with these or with suicidal thoughts, or thoughts of self harm, please seek help. I asked a couple of people for help, and they just didn't seem to get the severity of my situation. So I say to you, only you know if you need help. If the people around you don't understand reach out to your Dr or other healthcare professional. Just some personal advice.
So this blog started as a way to track our weight loss, but I guess first we'll have to focus on Mental health. Once I replace my coping method (eating) with something more important, I can get back to focusing on weight loss. But at least I'm back to the things I love, being crafty, gardening, and this blog.
Let me leave you with something that made me smile
Little cupcake toppings from Jo-Ann Fabrics. Hope they made you smile too.