Wednesday, February 15, 2017

God is good

I know God is good but sometimes it takes seeing Him in my own life to remember just how good.  I am a person who struggles with anxiety.  I'm a worrier.  I can't count the number of times I've prayed for the peace of God in my life.  I'm constantly struggling with handing over my concerns to God and then not worrying about them anymore.  And right now we have one of the first big worrisome steps to our adoption coming up and I have a real peace about it.

This Friday we have our home visit for our home study.  For those of you who don't know a social worker will come to our house and do a couple of things.  First of all they have to tour the home to make sure it adheres to safety standards and there is ample room for a child.  Secondly they have to interview us together and separately and ask us a bunch of personal, invasive questions.

According to my track record I should be worried about cleaning the house enough.  I expected my thoughts to go like this: Should I steam clean the carpet?  When did I last clean the washing machine?  Is she going to check under our bed?  Is she going to think us unfit for the bottle of wine in the fridge?  Will I say something that makes me sound like an unfit mother?  Will my past struggle with depression keep me from being able to adopt?

But that's not how I feel.  And honestly I really feel like Satan is trying to rattle me good this week.  And I'm not taking the bait.  On Tuesday we picked up my car from the shop, I had a minor fender bender in Dec (not my fault) and it had to have a door replaced.  After all the paperwork and inspection was done, I got into the care and it wouldn't start....dead battery.  We got it started, I drove it home I loaded up my little Vibe with bags of Goodwill donations (this is what nesting looks like to an adoptive mother) and then the car wouldn't start.  Ok, Adam said he could fix it when he got home, that's fine.  So I decided to get a jump on tidying up for Friday, I turn on my vacuum and it lets out a terrifying high pitched scream,  It's no longer working. Alrighty then.

Can't go anywhere, can only do some of the cleaning.  As it turns out Adam ordered a new part for the vacuum and it should be here Thursday, but if it's not I don't think I care.  I vacuum once a week so the house isn't a huge mess.  I will dust it and clean it, and if God allows I'll vacuum it.

There is one thing keeping me at peace and it can only be God.  I believe God has given us a heart for adoption.  There is nothing I can do that will keep God's plan for our life from coming to fruition.  If something goes wrong with this home study or it takes us longer than I'd like to be matched with a child, or if the first mother who chooses us ends up changes her mind God will be with us.  I've never had more clarity that we're on the right path, then I do right now.  I don't know how this is going to all look, or where this path bends, but God does and all we keep praying is that he'll just show us the next step.  And he has been so faithful.

I hope wherever you are in life you learn to trust God.  And that's coming from someone who has wasted so much time trying to trust my own abilities over God's.

God Bless  (and if you should think about us on Friday, say a prayer, we'd really appreciate it)

Sunday, January 1, 2017

2017: our most exciting year yet

As of today Adam and I have been married for over 9 years.  In all those years we lived 3 different places (well different buildings, same city), been to countless plays, weddings and funerals, and have had our puppy for over 6 years.  We've bought cars, appliances (furnaces are expensive), motorcycles and one house.  We've had a lot of exciting times in 9 years with a lot of dull quiet times in between.  So what could we possibly be doing this year that's more exciting, more terrifying, and more awesome than all those other things?

We are starting our adoption journey.  

Ok let's back up a little bit, and give some history.  I have always wanted to adopt.  I have just thought it was a neat idea to give a child a home.  I chalk it up to growing up in a great family.  I guess I just wanted to share that.  And as I grew older I learned that not everyone thinks like that, so I've since realized it's God giving me a heart for orphans.  And if God puts something on your heart you should probably listen.  

Believe me most of the women I know (meaning all but one) have a desire to birth children.  I've never had that ever.  When I think kids, I just think adoption.  It's how my brain is wired.  And before we got married, we talked about it and decided if/when we did the whole kids thing we would do it through adoption.

So why did it take us 9 years to decide to start?  In all honestly, it's because we're big chickens.  Well that's part of the reason.  As I may have mentioned in the past we had a rough couple of years in the beginning of our marriage.  So we spent much needed time working on that.  We met some great friends at church who taught us how to be married.  It was definitely a good choice.  And then we fell into what is admittedly a selfish routine.  We're young, we have good income, and we have very little responsibilities.  So it was hard to choose to move out of that lifestyle into what is the most challenging and terrifying thing you can a parent.

But then my best friend had a kid, and for the first time in my life I was a little jealous.  Or maybe I was just sad that we weren't going through this phase of life together.  But during that time (her kid is 1 and 1/2 now) I prayed a lot.  See she had been trying to have a baby for more than a year and I saw the desire she had for kids and I realized I didn't have it.

So my prayer went like this. "God, I feel like we are supposed to adopt kids,I feel like you've placed adoption on my heart.  But I don't have that burning all consuming desire for kids, and we need that to start adopting.  So please if this is what we're supposed to do, please change my heart."

I prayed that a lot.  And at the end of 2015 something changed.  Adam and I were talking a lot about stepping up to the plate and having kids. And we decided 2016 was going to be our year, we were going to start the process by the end of the year.  The instant we said that, my heart changed.  I realized every time I saw a baby that I wished it was mine, and my arms started to ache to hold my own baby.  I started to feel an emptiness in my heart.  Every holiday I wondered if next year I would have a kid, mother's day was particularly sad.

I was ready for kids, but we had one more hurdle...well we have lots of hurdles, but the last hurdle to the start line was....Adam,  If you're wondering why it took us all of 2016 to fill out our home study application it's because we were waiting for Adam to be ready.  As the sole earner of the family (my writing career hasn't made any moola...yet) the thought of kids made Adam instantly worry about money.  We got a lot of advice from friends and family encouraging us that everyone has that worry, and we shouldn't let it stop us from starting our family.

At this point we're ready.  Well as ready as a first time parent can be.  In complete honesty, we're trusting God, while being completely truly terrified.  We've never been parents before.  The thought is completely overwhelming at times.  But being afraid of change, isn't anyway to live.  So we're stepping out in faith.

And I have loved reading other people's adoption stories because they are all so different, and it's encouraging to not be alone.  So I hope our story can encourage you.  

I'll update as things change.  But on days I'm not posting here, you can be sure we're prepping for baby, and praying that God will keep us sane in the process.  Let's do this together :)

God Bless-